Stephanie Burchell, PhD, LMFTA
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How Do You Know When to Seek Help?

No one has a perfect marriage, and almost every couple can benefit from some help at times with their marriage. Pre-marital
preparation and marital enrichment programs such as the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) and
the Relationship Enhancement Program are available in many localities and most people find them helpful regardless of how
well their relationship is going. And many people seek
marriage counseling with a trained therapist to improve their
marriages even when their marriages are not unduly distressed. You don?t need to be in a distressed
Experiencing marital distress, however, represents a different state from the ups and downs of life in marriage that most
people experience. In distressed marriages, people feel fundamentally dissatisfied with their marriages. Disappointment in
the relationship doesn?t just come and go; it is a constant companion. Most frequently, couples with high levels of marital
distress fight a good deal and their fights don?t lead to resolution, but simply a sense of being worn out. Or they may not fight,
but simply feel completely disconnected. People stop doing nice things for each other, they stop communicating, and things
tend to go from bad to worse. Frequent arguments that don?t get resolved, loss of good feelings, and loss of friendship, sex
and vitality are other signs that a marriage is distressed. Other signs, such as contempt, withdrawal, violence, and a complete
loss of connection signal that a marriage is in desperate trouble and that it is at high risk for divorce. And you need not be
legally married to have ?marital distress.? Serious, long-term, committed relationships can experience these kinds of major
problems, too.

Sometimes marital problems are purely about problems in the relationship such as communication, solving problems,
arguing, intimacy, and sex. These kinds of problems often begin with partners simply not having a good sense of how to be
married and how to communicate and provide support. Other times couples may do well for a while, particularly in the earliest
stages of their romance, but they are not ready for the longer-term tasks in marriage. Studies of couples show that while the
risks for marital distress and divorce are highest early in marriage, these risks also grow just after the transitions that occur
when couples begin to have children and when the children reach adolescence.

Other times, marital problems are directly the result of individual problems, such as substance abuse. And marriages can
even seem to be going well, but one shattering event like an extramarital affair will throw a marriage into distress.
Marital distress has powerful effects on partners; often leading to great sadness, worry, a high level of tension, and problems
such as depression. If prolonged, it even has been shown to have direct effect on physical health. The effect on families is
also profound, especially when conflict is high. Children raised in high conflict homes tend to have many more problems than
other children. And once marriages are distressed, a progression begins that easily becomes a cascade downward,
ultimately leading to the ending of a marriage.

The Kinds of Help That Work

The good news is that there are effective treatments for marital distress. Given a willingness to work on a marriage, most
people can make their marriages satisfying again. No one begins as a perfect partner. Marriage depends on a number of
skills, such as being able to understand yourself, understand your partner, fight well, problem solve, and negotiate
differences. Sometimes patterns we learned in our families growing up are not effective, but are carried over to a marriage.
And sometimes the stresses of life make it difficult to stay happily married.

Treatment for marital distress is in part building or rebuilding the skills that work in marriage, such as learning to
communicate and problem solve, and how to fight without engaging in too much hurt. Partly,
marriage counseling is about
partners working to see each other as people, to understand where they are coming from, and to negotiate those differences
that can be negotiated and accept those differences that cannot. Couples all have issues that stay with them; the key is to
build a process that can help find a way to talk about those issues, to find solutions, and not have the problems that emerge in
life become overwhelming.

Marriage counselors and therapists have special training in couple therapy. They know how to help couples have a sense of
progress even as they struggle with difficult issues. There are many kinds of effective couple therapy. Some promote skills
and practice, others look more at the past and how things got this way; most combine the two. If you have a marital problem,
call a
marriage counselor and make an appointment. Finding a marriage counselor is easy, but use caution. Be sure the
person has specific experience in couple therapy, as marriage and family therapists do.

marriage counseling is not easy. For most people, it?s hard to begin to share with a person you don?t know about
marital difficulties, and it?s hard not to be discouraged as you argue about these issues at first in front of a therapist. Couples
with marital distress are often discouraged and have trouble believing that couple therapy can help. But couples who begin
marriage counseling begin to create a process for overcoming their difficulties. Sometimes the resolution of problems
happens very quickly, though more typically a longer period is needed. For most, it?s hard to work on these problems at first,
but ultimately that becomes easier and problems are resolved.

What Should You Do if Your Partner Won?t Go to Therapy?

Some people with marital problems won?t seek help even when it is essential. If your partner won?t go to therapy, try to
encourage them. It?s hard to fix a distressed marriage on your own. Still, if they won?t go, you can begin to do some things
yourself. A marriage and family therapist is likely to have some useful ideas about how to improve the relationship without both
of you getting into therapy and about how to find better ways to approach your partner about the idea of entering treatment

Consumer Resources

J. M. Gottman and N. Silver (2000) The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press. Provides insights
about what makes marriage last.

H. J. Markman, S. M. Stanley, and S. L. Blumberg (2001)
Fighting for Your Marriage. New York: Jossey-Bass. A reference for
learning the essential skills that help lead to satisfying marriage.
Marital Distress
This article is written by Jay Lebow, PhD. and provided by
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